Hockey Harems
This week’s What the Fuck Ever We Want Wednesday craziness is brought to you by Deke, from whose twisted, self-indulgent brain this hilarious but slightly embarrassing idea sprang. This project ended up being a super-fun activity but also a telling exploration of our personalities; perhaps the most obvious thing to be drawn from this post is that Deke has a Type, and Dangle has a Type, and those two Types are the types to be each others’ Types.
Note: Each of these photos is linked to the site we got it from. (We’d be embarrassed if we let you guys think they were our work.)
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DANGLE’S HOCKEY HAREM
When Deke told me that our WWW Wednesday post was going to be Hockey Harems, my imagination was captured. It turned out to be a slightly different project than I’d expected, however, when she elaborated and I found out I needed to include an explanation of my harem setting and a rating system for how much I wanted to have sex with everyone in it. Which, I mean, I understand that that’s the point of a harem, but like… eight men just for sex? Really? That seems superfluous. But I guess that superfluity is also the point of a harem.
So, first of all, the percentage given for each one of them is the probability that I would ever want to have sex with him if we were in a long-term harem-like living situation. Also, let’s all realize that when I hear the word “harem”, I envision the most offensive excesses of orientalist opera—people locked up against their will with nothing to do but strum lyres all day, trees that grow jewels instead of fruit, enormous pin-cushion-like turbans worn with poofy genie pants, flocks of talking peacocks, etc. This means that it won’t be out of place for me to have eerie examples of decorative self-indulgence in my harem, such as:
Jeff Carter—Naked Garden Statue
Likelihood of Sexytiems: 68%
There are two completely great things about having Jeff Carter as my Naked Garden Statue.
- He’s probably really hot when he’s naked.
- Statues don’t sulk.
Clearly, this is a win/win situation for everyone.
I’m picturing him with a fountain and maybe some tastefully draped pieces of “cloth” (read: carved marble) that don’t actually cover any of his naughty parts. You know, like in regular naked statues.
I’ll be candid: Carter’s on my list not for his moral fortitude, but for the sole, exploitative reason that he’s dead sexy. At least, if you’re into that Malibu Ken look. Which, apparently, I am.
The next member of my hockey harem is not at all hot, in my opinion. In fact, he has only one semi-attractive expression: mouth hanging open. (Luckily, he makes that face a lot.) But it’s okay, because you need more than eye candy in your harem. You also need:
Taylor Hall—Refrigerator Magistrate
Likelihood of Sexytiems: 19%
If I have a harem, I obviously have a palace to put it in, right? Which means I’m probably busy negotiating vital political issues such as the dates of roc hunting season this year and the ethics of using Solomon’s seal to command demons. So I’m gonna need somebody to lounge around the zenana, testing the couch cushions and noticing when we’ve used up all the soy sauce.
Taylor Hall seems like the sort of guy who would be appropriately disgruntled if, say, we were out of the good beer. Possibly even disgruntled enough to send someone out for more. Needless to say, this is a vital position.
Speaking of beer, the next member of my hockey harem is:
Patrick Kane—Devil’s Advocate
Likelihood of Sexytiems: 92%
I need at least one person in this harem at whom I can laugh my ass off whenever he comes up with a bat-shit crazy plan. In addition, I need a jogging buddy, a partner for the seraglio’s weekly Rook tournaments, and someone to cry over sad movies with.
Also, I expect lessons in beer drinking. I still can’t figure out how to make that stuff taste any better than motor oil. :/
Another big part of Kaner’s job will be to make me look totally responsible and put-together by comparison. But he won’t have to do all the ego-boosting on his own, since I also have:
Bobby Ryan—Chief Engineer of Compliments and General Self-Esteem Construction
Likelihood of Sexytiems: 71%
Bobby Ryan’s chief asset is his adorable, clueless face. Could this face lie to you? No. No, it could not. His wholesome goodness—no, he’s not a breakfast cereal—remains steadfast in the face of even the most unbelievable no-shit-this-actually-happened drama. Therefore when Bobby Ryan tells you something nice about yourself, it is mathematically impossible for it to be untrue. The universe has declared it so.
I plan to keep Bobby Ryan at my elbow while I’m listening to my subjects whine about troubling things like other people stealing their magical salt-grinders or their kids being lured into gingerbread houses by hermitic cannibals. That kind of stuff could make me feel like a really bad monarch, but not if Bobby Ryan is there to remind me that I’m totally the awesomest person ever. Also I will snuggle him like a stuffed animal, because hey, that’s not creepy at all.
Yeah, okay, so part of me wonders whether I’m a bad person for thinking a guy is cute because, essentially, he seems kind of naïve. But then the rest of me reminds me not to feel bad, because hey, at least he’s semi age appropriate for me. Unlike, say:
Jeff Skinner—Primary Object of Verbs
Likelihood of Sexytiems: 100%
I want to _________ Jeff Skinner.
- A. kidnap
- B. make cookies for
- C. impregnate
- D. All of the Above
I’m not even ashamed.
Unfortunately, while I accept the fact that I kind of have a thing for crybabies, drunks, and infants, it’s still a hassle to have to explain this to the sort of people who are only attracted to Virtuous Manly Men. Such as my mother, who is still confused about how it’s actually possible have a celebrity crush on someone who would end up shirtless on Deadspin. Enter:
Brent Seabrook—Designated Parent Charmer
Likelihood of Sexytiems: 56%
Brent Seabrook is exactly the kind of person I’d love to take home to Mom and Dad. He seems really tolerant, if the multitude of internet pictures of him with overexcited fans is anything to go by. Plus, he’s tall and polite and suitable, and he has a puppy. Shit, he and my mom could probably talk about the puppy for, like, half of dinner. He even looks like he belongs with my family; I swear to God I have a sister who could be his twin.
When he’s off-duty, he can play video games on my couch with Hallsy, or I can take a break from doing horribly inappropriate things to Jeff Skinner, and we can, like, talk or something. Seabs seems like he’d be good at talks.
At any rate, I think he has the whole parent front covered, but that still leaves all the other awkward social situations that I get myself into. Fortunately, I have someone to rescue me:
Claude Giroux—Social Smoother
Likelihood of Sexytiems: 70%
I like to describe Claude Giroux’s job in my harem as that of an overpriced kitchen appliance: to peel, core, and turn seemingly incompatible things into delicious, colorful smoothies, all while making as much unnecessary noise as possible.
It’s hard to overstate the importance of this task; I mean, think about it: all these guys locked up in isolation together is basically asking for a brawl. But, come on, how can you possibly keep punching someone if Giroux is there to make charming conversation about topics of general interest? And he’d be equally handy at diffusing those tense moments just after I’ve said something a little too blunt: if all else fails, he can distract everyone by making faces and/or wearing ridiculous hats.
Note: As supreme ruler of fairytale land, I will cut off the head of or possibly stuff in a barrel full of tacks anyone who refers to Giroux as “the ginger”, because it’s my country, and just… no.
The subject of lawmaking brings me to my final harem denizen, a man under whose tutelage I intend to thrive:
John Tortorella—Director of Public Relations
Likelihood of Sexytiems: 34%
As an absolute monarch, I’ll probably have a lot of people asking me stupidass questions that don’t bear answering and wanting to know intimate details of how I’ve fucked up recently. Torts will stand between me and those, uh, idiots, ready to direct their attention away from my screw-ups and onto his smug recalcitrance.
Torts will also be my go-to guy for general advice, seeing as he has lived long enough that he probably knows what he’s talking about most of the time. We can do dad things together, like play games I’m really bad at and have uncomfortable conversations about my life choices.
All in all, I think I have a pretty well rounded group of guys here, even without considering that for space reasons, I ruthlessly eliminated Gabriel Landeskog (“Token Swedish Person”) and Corey Crawford (“DSL Extraordinaire”). I don’t have any spider-killers or wage earners, but I imagine that lots of money comes with the whole harem thing, and I usually let spiders go free, anyway. To be honest, I could not be more satisfied with my harem.
Of course, not everyone is the same. You know that nursery rhyme, “Jack Sprat could eat no fat; his wife could eat no lean”, etc.? I guarantee you that between us both, Deke and I lick the platter clean. As it were.
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DEKE’S HOCKEY HAREM
My hockey harem world is quite different from Dangle’s. For one, I’m not the leader of anything, I’m just fabulously wealthy in a world where polyandry is a thing, with the number of husbands constrained by income so that every husband is provided for equally. Ok, so my having-sex-with rating system is different from Dangle’s too. The listed percentages are the likelihood that I will consent to have sex with each of them every day (if asked).
I’ll have a giant sprawling mansion with separate apartments for all my husbands. The mansion has a huge courtyard with a mini golf course ringed by a track. There’ll be two hockey rinks (one regulation and one smaller for practice and recreation), an indoor pool, an outdoor pool, a bowling alley, and theater (with stage for impromptu performances of Rocky Horror). There will also be on-call doctors, physical therapists, nutritionists, a huge workout room (with several smaller ones in the apartments), and a bar/game room.
Jonathan Toews—Life Coach
Chance of Doin’ It: 97%
I love this man. He has so much direction and leadership instinct that surely no mere C can satisfy him. To help him out, I will put him in charge of every (most?) aspects of my life and household (except for my stock portfolio and whatnot—not sure if he can handle that).
He’ll arrange activities, make lists of things to do, things to buy, etc. (I have a feeling he loves lists). He’ll have to coordinate with the cooks, nutritionists, doctors, and physical therapists for the diet and exercise regimens of all in the household, in addition to directing the cleaning and maintenance staff.
TJ Oshie—Chief of Hatesex and Arguments
Chance of Doin’ It: 85%
I have no idea why I hate this man so much. That’s a lie; I know—it’s because of his and Tazer’s youthful indiscretions that led to their arrest (defile my Tazer, will you?!). Also, he has a constant look of attractive smugness that makes me want to slap him. And, if sitcoms have taught us anything, that sort of tension usually leads to shameful and passionate making out/sex in closets and against walls.
That will be Oshie’s responsibility—arguing with me and others in order to get me angry enough to make out/have sex with him. Or others, I suppose; I’m not jealous (at least, not in my imaginary hockey harem world).
Patrick Sharp—Eye-Candy and Wardrobe Consultant
Chance of Doin’ It: 95%
Patrick Sharp’s job will be to walk around looking gorgeous. I’ll require several costume changes per day, and he must always do things in an aesthetically pleasing way. Because he’s adorable and awesome with dogs, he will also be in charge of all the pets in the mansion.
Also, he’s a pretty sharp dresser (unintentional pun *headdesk*). Considering that most hockey players look like they are wearing awful-fitting, off-the-rack Kmart suits, Sharpy will be in charge of acquiring and maintaining everyone’s wardrobes (except for mine—I’m not so certain about his eye for female clothing).
Geno Malkin—Captain of Compliments and Snuggling
Chance of Doin’ It: 92%
As this picture attests, Geno is a master snuggler. He will be there to comfort (and/or spoon) anyone who is feeling sad or upset (before Kesler makes them laugh again). Also, his adorable accent and infectious smile make him perfect for any necessary ego-boosts.
Carey Price—Cowboy and Handyman
Chance of Doin’ It: 83%
This is a huge mansion we’ll be living in—there will, of course be an expansive staff for repair and maintenance. However, any repairs/building that require shirtless and sweaty men will be Price’s domain (not that I will discourage any of my husbands from participating—maybe Sharpy—but Price will get first pick).
Also, he will dress as a cowboy when asked, and teach everyone how to ride horses.
Eric Staal—Knight in Shining Armor
Chance of Doin’ It: 92%
For any situations that require PR, Eric Staal will be the frontman (for me and my company—what do I do? *shrug*). His ease with reporters and the fact that the camera loves him will come in handy.
Also, any time I actually am, or feel like being a damsel in distress, it will be his job to come dramatically to my rescue. This includes over-the-top displays of affection/romance and rom-com cliches.
Ryan Kesler—Comedian and Co-Prankster
Chance of Doin’ It: 83%
Everyone needs some laughs—and considering that I have 8 professional hockey player husbands (most of them kinda douchey), I will definitely need some comic relief on a regular basis. That’s where this man, the creator of Keslurking, comes in.
His job will be to arrange fun activities (in coordination with Tazer, of course) and basically make sure that bad moods (at least ones that are obvious and/or disruptive) are turned into good moods.
Note: Kesler and Sharpy can pair up for elaborate pranks.
Brian Campbell—Childcare Provider in Charge of Domesticity
Chance of Doin’ It: 77%
Soupy is so freaking adorable with children (See: his vids with Joey the Junior Reporter when he was a Blackhawk). And so, Campbell will take care of the children resulting from my multiple marriages (also, dude, I want ginger babies for srs).
I have a feeling that this man would melt uteruses with adorable if he were to be wearing a frilly apron and holding one or two babies.
(Note: Don’t judge me and my several husbands!)
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Or do judge us, whatever. But you can’t deny you just made your own harem in your head.
